Of Fear and New Found Courage

Fear:

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.
-Wikipedia

Perhaps I should put my own spin on fear:

 Fear is a doorknob. 

A doorknob to a place I am looking forward to transforming. Take the doorknob to my attic for instance. It is a beautiful knob. It shows wear and tear of hundreds (perhaps thousands) of twists and turns. Turn it. Open the door.  Stairs will lead me to a room I intend to transform into my quiet space. I can see the clouds from there. I can be still and be happy. I will make art. I've ascended those stairs numerous times in the past few months de-cluttering, planning, getting ready to have another space in which I can create. Until Monday. Monday I turned the knob. I opened the door. I began the ascent and spied something on the third step.

"What's this?" I thought to myself as I brushed it from my path. A strange crunching sound came from the object as it came to rest upon the second step. I brushed at it again, just a bit harder. That strange sound rang out again as the object hit the hardwood of the second floor hallway. "What in the world?"
It was only when the dog came to investigate, and I bent to pick up the offending object that I realized what it really was: a bat.

I will correct myself. Fear is not a doorknob. An unbridled kind of fear, a terrorizing kind of fear, make me want to run screaming from the house kind of fear is a furry mammal with wings. Fear is a bat!

It was small.

It was dead (I hoped).

It was utterly terrifying.

As my heart began to pound uncontrollably and my brain raced (and I do believe I muttered OH MY GOD at least several times in succession), thoughts of what to do next tried to form. I had to deal with it. I had to summon some courage. I had to save my dog, which I tried to do by literally screaming "Leave It!".

From there it became a situation comedy as I told myself to pull up my big girl panties and deal with the situation at hand. I will let your imagination take over, but let me just say- I found that it is amazing how much courage one can muster when forced to problem solve. It may not have been pretty. It may not even have been sane, but it was accomplished. As for my new found courage?? It didn't last long, evidenced by the fact that I slept with my bedroom door shut tight that night and forced the poor neighbor (thank you T!) to take on the actual act of disposal. I chose to stand at the sidelines quieting my beating heart, patting myself on the back for surviving my ordeal and vowing I'd turn that doorknob again- someday!

Deep Thinking On A Sunday Afternoon

Life can be a sobering proposition. Life is a crap shoot. Yesterday, we can be on top of the world; today, a totally different story. We allow our hopes and dreams to hinge upon outside influences. How we feel society judges us. What we think is our value is so often based on what we perceive to be other's feelings or actions towards us. Is it any wonder then that so many can fall into a nether world of despair in the blink of an eye? How easy it can be to lose one's self. So many ways at one's disposal to do just that. To hide from the struggles of every day life. Give in to pain, give in to a loathing of circumstance which can then manifest as a loathing of self. Give in to feelings of being misused and abused by things "outside our control". Yet, are they really? Do we as beings of a (supposedly) higher intellect truly have no power over our circumstances? Can we learn to close our eyes and be still for a moment in time, and then just a moment more? Let ourselves feel?  Let ourselves hear the internal workings of our minds? Can we learn to connect with our souls? Most importantly, can we find peace? What happens to that connection, that peace, once our eyes are open? If we (as that higher intellectual being) continue to search for some measure of inner peace, can we obtain it without giving up, or giving in? Which path we choose to take is as diverse as the universe itself. Life is a crap shoot. It is to be seized with all we have, all we hope, all we dream, all we are. It is in those hopes, those dreams deep within our souls that we might finally live a life fully realized.

A New Endeavor

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Challenge one's self. Take on something new. Learn. Grow. Experiment. Contemplate. That is exactly what I hope to do as I go through the remainder of this life of mine. I took that giant leap. I am open to what I might find each and every waking moment. I intend to look at the world-at-large in an entirely different way. To grow. To experiment. To live a contemplative life. This blog will be a chronicle of my journey. It may not always be easy, but then, anything worthwhile doesn't have to be easy.  This is home to my new adventure; an adventure using the written word, of using photographs. This will be home to my thoughts on living, and most of all in seeing contemplatively. I invite you to come along for the ride if you so chose. It would be an honor to have you ...

Karen